Baby Steps

I know there are people reading this blog who are rooting for me.

Some of you are close personal friends.

Some of you I have never even met face to face, and, yet, I love you and worry about you and value your friendship.

Some of you I have known for a long time.

And some of you are new to my life, but very, very cherished.

You know that the past year has been, to say the least, difficult.

That my heart has been broken.

That I worry about how I am going to make ends meet, how I am going to be everything I need to be for my two children, how I am going to do what needs to be done without the help of a spouse. How will I make it on my own? How I will I be there for my beautiful kids, who both need and deserve so much. They, too, are suffering heartbreak and will continue to suffer from this loss in ways I, the daughter of two fully committed parents, will never be able to understand completely.

Your cheers matter to me, people, in more ways than you know.

Whether you are leaving comments on the blog, sending me personal emails, or dropping me texts out of the blue (yes, T, my old childhood pal, I am talking 'bout you), you words mean so much.

I am taking baby steps.

One by one, little by little.

I am learning what it means to live a completely different life than the one I had envisioned since, well, since I was a 21-year-old bride with absolute faith, absolute trust.

I am learning what it means to let go.

To .... let .... go .....
Of the dreams, of the heartache, of the past 16 years.

I am learning what it means to reclaim ....
Myself, my happiness, my joy for life.

I am discovering just how darn strong I can be, when the alternative is simply not acceptable.

Today I go for a job interview.

For a position I never really envisioned for myself until recently.

My, how times change.

Here I am: college-educated, with a law degree and a federal judicial law clerkship on my resume.

But I have not worked in more than 6 years.

And here is the kicker: I don't even want the legal career I once envisioned.

It seems so pointless.

I just want to be here for my kids.

I want to help my son get the therapy he needs. I want to see him continue to work with these great professonals who understand how much potential he has. I want to pick my daughter up from school every day; I want to drive my son to his appointments myself. I want my children to know that they are my first priority, that their mother would do anything for them ... absolutely anything ... and that she wishes, from the bottom of her heart, that she didn't have to go a day without wrapping her arms around them and feeling their hugs in return.

This road was not on my map.
And, yet, here I am.
I was forced to take it.

Today is a big step.

Keep rooting for me, people.
Keep rooting for my children.

You know I will keep you posted.