January 3, 2011

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
--- Kurt Vonnegut

The people who really know me, know that I frequently deal with stress through sarcasm, through jokes.

I have managed, during these past two years, to make jokes about things that are not at all funny.

Why do I choose to "cope" with reality in such a way?

I am not sure.

Maybe I am just tired of crying.

I did that long enough.

I cried for my son, for the son I dreamed of, for the life I dreamed of.

I cried, and cried, and cried, until I couldn't even stand myself.

I cried for the dreams that seemed forever gone.

Sometimes, you deal with so much sadness, with so much shit, that the only way you know how to "cope" without tears .... is to joke.

But that doesn't mean my heart isn't hurting.

People disappoint.
Dreams are put on a shelf.
What could have been is replaced by what really is.

And life goes on.

I still cry sometimes. But I really am tired of tears. And so I joke.

It is a coping mechanism.

There could be worse ways, and I have been witness to some of them.

All I know is that I am still here, still breathing, still getting up every morning finding ways to laugh with my children.

Some days I do better than others.

But I am trying to choose laughter over tears.

Sometimes that is a tall order.

But if I can joke, surely I can rise again in the morning...

and find just enough peace to get through the day.

1 comment:

  1. i really like that vonnegut quote.

    i imagine you brave with a beautiful smile, laughing in spite of it all...