September 16, 2010

It was, by far, the happiest day of my life.

First baby.

A boy.

A nine on his first Apgar, followed by a ten.

Eight pounds, 10 ounces.

Ten fingers, ten toes.

A head full of hair.

Everything was perfect.

But it wasn't.

How could I have known?

I gave birth at the hospital where my husband worked. Everybody knew my husband. The people poured into my room. One by one, they came. All day long. Who needs sleep after labor and delivery, right?

But I didn't mind. Seriously. Because I knew they were coming at my husband's urging.

He was so proud.

"Did you hear? I had my baby. Go see my boy. Room 255."

The nurses were so tickled as they described his words to me.

How is it, when two people can so joyously bring a life into this world, when a baby was so very wanted, so very cherished from the second the line showed up on the little pee-soaked stick .....

How can THAT turn into THIS.

Why can't the two people who need each other the most find each other in the midst of all that pain?

Autism really knows how to kick ass.

And I am so very sad.


  1. Thinking of you. Hang in there.

  2. Grief is a process, Isn't it? Seems to come in waves. Positive thoughts your way.